Can't be arsed

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

I've written before on those 'things to do before you die' books - dreadful ideas by psychological blackmailers. My lifelong problem has always been to resist being told what I must do and I confess that this attitude has both delayed my enjoyment of some things in this life or put me off them altogether. Coax me, walk me and I may just follow: tell me and you'll get 2 fingers.

But now I have read about a book that I would just love to have written - 'Can't be arsed:101 things not to do before you die'. What a concept, love it to bits. Well I am not going to give you 101 right now for it is late but let's put a few things down that I must not do:

- meet Gordon Ramsay, the Queen and Sarkozy's wife
- visit Majorca
- queue for pretty much anything
- go to Minnesota ever again in winter
- go on a roundabout ride
- see Detroit ever again
- listen to Metallica
- read anything by Margaret Drabble
- buy a timeshare
- eat fried eggs
- drink Bailey's Irish Cream
- drive another Volvo
- read War & Peace
- listen to Mervyn Bragg's catarrh ridden voice
- iron shirts except for a wedding or a funeral
- apologise for my country's history. Those that attack it should look at their own.
- listen to fisherman or golfers talk about their success
- watch soccer on TV
- use cheap ball point pens
- cook gravadlax, it is best eaten as it is
- attend any pop festival in a muddy field with unwashed hippies
- bugger a sheep even though I know you all think we do so in Wales
- drink cider
- learn another language
- carry a bottle of water with me in the UK
- look at any Henry Moore sculpture
- fly economy long haul (although I guess I may have too as my money diminishes)
- fly with Aerolineas Argentinas
- listen or even read about jazz
- be nice to the French - they appreciate English abuse - it reinforces their prejudices
- watch kids begging (another I suspect that I may have to get used to)
- read about child abuse
- go for a pee without having washed my hands after chopping chilli peppers
- wear a suit
- eat Vegemite or Promite. Marmite is the best!!!!!!
- shit in the bush
- get married again
- suffer pain or become blind
- eat sea cucumber
- try to understand the Middle East - there are days I'd nuke the fucking lot
- visit another concentration camp or watch another Holocaust movie
- take up knitting or sewing or even finger painting
- go to Merthyr Tydfil
- drink Martini Bianco
- get up for work
- wear boxer shorts
- ever, ever, ever watch something with Robin Williams in it

And never, never be told what I MUST do.