The Queen's Speech 2008

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

By tradition, the monarch makes a speech at the opening of a new session of Parliament at this time of year. She doesn't write it, she is merely a puppet for the government of the day but she get's the chance to wear the Imperial State Crown which I do like. It has some fabulous rocks in it including the Black Prince's Ruby and the second largest piece cut off the Cullinan Diamond. But I digress.

The main feature of the speech is an outline of legislation to be introduced in the forthcoming session. Here's my take on some of them:

Banking - The Bank of England is to be allowed to loan money anonymously short term to other banks in trouble. OK, that might stop a short term run on the bank but I don't like it. Are there limits and what is short term?

Low income savers - Well actually they mean people on benefits and tax credits, around 8 million or so. The government will match their savings one for one up to a monthly limit of £12.50.

And I am wondering - if you save the money in one month , get the government's matching funding and then withdraw it the next, do you have give the government their money back? This could be interesting. Save £12.50 in January and get the government's £12.50. Take the 25 quid out in February and bung back £12.50 of it and get another £12.50 and so on.

They actually say they mean to 'kick start' the saving habit. Really? They must be living on the planet Zob. Waste of bloody time!

Policing and crime - This is all about restricting lap dancing clubs and making it a criminal offence to pick up a prostitute who is being pimped whether the client knows it or not. Already posted my views on this.

Worryingly, it will allow officers to take fingerprints on the beat. Oh, no, no, no. They should only be allowed to take my dabs with my consent or if I have been charged with a criminal offence and in either case, in the presence of witnesses. This is 'Police State' stuff.

Immigrants - The automatic right to remain in Britain after 5 years residence is to be withdrawn. Those who can demonstrate English language ability and have worked legally, paid taxes and have no criminal record get the right after 6 years but only if they have done voluntary work as well. If they haven't done the latter, they have to wait 8 years. Not unreasonable I thought apart from the 'voluntary work' bit. That requirement would exclude the majority of native born people here.

Those who come to Britain because of family links will have to go if the relationship ceases. Seems OK and it would hit all that 'arranged marriage' crap. But what if your granny dies after 3 years? Shouldn't you be given the chance to carry on if every other aspect is OK?

Maybe we should apply these rules to the locals as well so that you have to reconfirm your right to stay here every 6 years. The good thing about this is that so many tow-rags would not qualify so we could send them abroad. Australia still has plenty of space.

Welfare reform - Basically, if you ain't sick, you get nothing unless you are seen to be actively looking for a job. You also have to contract to go on retraining courses and parenting classes where appropriate. The latter seems an OK idea in principle but I suspect it would be a waste of money.

They also plan to introduce lie detector tests on benefit claimants to crack down on fraud. No doubt they will appoint a Lie Detector Director with a name like Josef Stalin or Heinrich Himmler.

Health - A load of waffle about patient rights and hospital performance.

The idea of banning cigarette displays in shops in still under review and nothing was said about removing branding and selling all ciggies in plain white packs. The whole idea is plain barmy. 'Psst, gov, got any ciggies, like a pack of Dunhill?' 'Sure, I got ciggies, but I have no fucking idea what brand they are.'

Child poverty - The government's stated objective to eradicate child poverty by 2020 is to be legally binding. On who, I may ask? And where are the detailed plans to achieve this? Nowhere.

The triumph of hope over experience.

Coastal access - People to be given the right to walk all around the coast of England. Well, first if my garden bordered the coast, I wouldn't want just anyone wandering through the rose bed on the cliff top. And how far back does this 'coast' go? 1 metre? 50 metres? No mention of that.

Unnecessary.

Education - Local authorities to be required to intervene in 'underperforming schools.' I gasped at this. Surely, they should have had a duty to do this for years.

Local democracy - In amongst the waffle, councils are to be forced to respond to petitions. Waste of bloody time. If you take your petition down town at the weekend, you can get thousands of signatures from people who know bugger all about your cause and care even less. Only reason I ever organised one was to get some publicity; I knew the council wouldn't give a shit.

My advice to councils would be to buy a rubber stamp bearing the words, 'Fuck off,' stamp it on the petition and return to sender.

There is more but you are probably bored right now and so am I. There's some good and some bad in this list but one factor is missing and, that factor is missing is all Queen's Speeches. You never hear about restrictions and laws being withdrawn, do you? That would be too much to hope for.