Wait until your father comes home

How many children have heard that? Millions, I suspect. And what happens when you do get home, tired after a long day, stuck in a traffic jam for 45 minutes and just wanting some peace and quiet. Maybe read the paper, watch the news.

But no. What you get is a screaming wife and a toddler looking bemused because at his age he is quite unable to relate his minor crime of 4 hours ago to the hysteria he is now witnessing.

‘Do you know what he did this afternoon?’
‘No, did he microwave the cat?
‘No, worse, he pulled up all the border plants I planted yesterday.’

(I should point out at this stage that when my mom gave me a little patch of garden in which to plant seeds, I pulled them up regularly to see how the roots were going. I soon realised that they didn’t like this. MY mother, being my my mother let me get on with it. She knew I would learn, maybe the hard way.)

‘Well replant them then’
‘OK but what are you going to do about it.’

Fuck all was the obvious answer. If you cannot handle it at the time of the incident, then there is nowt anyone can do later. There is a lesson here. Children and animals can only associate the consequences of their actions over a very short time span. Punish them quickly or they will never learn.

And don’t put the burden on dads. That is demonising them.

Going back

People say never go back and by and large I would agree with them. Certainly, I would never attempt to rekindle the relationships that I have had with several women. Sure we can be friends (most are) but you can never recapture the magic of the first time and, sure as hell, the reasons why you split will resurface. If you do go back, my advice is 'Fuck them' literally.

Then there are experiences like the time a Peacock butterfly came out of its pupa in the warmth of my hand; like to see that again. Same with the Golden Eagle on some pine in Scotland - the evening sun shone on his head and then you understand why they call it the 'Golden Eagle.' I have been to 2 total eclipses of the sun - 1st was in Plymouth but it was cloudy so the sky went dark and that was it - 2nd was in Turkey on a cloudless day, utterly magical. Yep I'd do that again tomorrow. Trouble with eclipses though is that they do naughty things like appear in the middle of the Pacific where you can't get to.

Places? Been to many several times but they were kinda casual visits. So where to go again? Antarctica - been twice - the most beautiful place on Earth. Sit with the Mountain Gorilla - oh yes for that is unforgettable. New Orleans? I love the feeling of being surrounded by sin. And London and New York get me buzzing like nowhere else in the world.

BUT, no really big urge to go back. I want to see new things!!

Women in uniform

I have heard that many men find women in uniform very sexy. Can't say it ever aroused me except in one case - nurses. They are quite irrirestable. The rest just leave me cold. I mean look at those butch army women - horrible. Nurses are like mothers - maybe that's why we like it. Mind you they can be buggers but weren't mothers?

Missed my vocation in life

My former boss told me that I missed my vocation in life. I should have been a barrow boy in the East end of London. There's a grain of truth there: I think I would have loved it. Think about it. You get the chance to talk, you get an audience, you can bullshit and you can make money. (I tell you there are days when I even believe myself.)

OK, OK, next. A full set of towels, two bath towels, two hand towels and two face cloths.

Feel them darling (to the woman at the front). Bet you'd like a rub down with these?

Lovely aren't they. Finest Egyptian cotton (which they are not). How much you reckon? You there, the one in the pink blouse at the back, what you think? Come on love, give them a feel.

I know what you are thinking, all of you lovelies. Worth every penny of 25 quid. And you're right cus that's what I paid for them.

Trouble is, I am short of readies and her indoors wants to go up West tonight so I gotta sell them. Only 10 sets left.

What did you say my darling? 5 quid? You are pulling my plonker, ain't you?

OK, let's be serious. What do you want to pay? You love, the pretty one. What you reckon?

A tenner? Gor blimey, I am losing my shirt here but you're pretty so done.

etc etc

Women and their feet

As you walk this world, you see most men walk on their own two feet and when they are standing, they have both feet placed squarely on the floor, sometimes apart, sometimes together. Sometimes they are at angles; sonetimes they are parallel but they don't fidget with them.

Women are entirely different. There are endless varieties with feet placement and in general, they cannot keep them still. Girl in the bus stop today sat with crossed legs and constantlty wiggled her right foot. Girl yesterday stood in the bus stop on the outer heels of her feet with the soles facing each other - didn't look comfortable.

Then you get the slipping out of the shoes - partly. Why? Are they so uncomfortable? And if you go to the cinema, you will be very familiar with their scrabble for shoes when the lights come up.

And you also get the feet crossed while they are standing or alternatively they stand with one foot on the other. Next there is the backwards cross whereby they stand on one foot and the other is behind. And then you get the standing with the toes pointed inwards towards each other.

The list is endless. And I just don't understand it.