Madonna and Malawi

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Never a fan of Madonna but I see she's back in Malawi wanting to adopt another kid. Usual opposition including the Save the Children lot saying that kids should stay with their families. Well, this one's mother is dead and as far as I can tell the father is not to be found.

I am with Madonna here. Her first adoption seems to be working so why not try a second. If each of us just set out to improve one other person's position in life, this world would be a far far better place.

Good luck to the girl.

Oven gloves

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I never wash them. Sure they get a bit grimy but never unhygeinically so. After all they handle things at very high temperatures and I have never seen anything grow on them.

Bought a new pair today, one of them all in one's. Well, I put the old ones down on the hob after I finished cooking and forgot to turn the flame off. They got charred but who cares, the new ones only cost 3 quid.

People I could do without (in no particular order)

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Robin Williams
Seinfeld
Hazel Blears
Harriet Harman
Shami Chakrabati
Tony Benn
Hugo Chavez
Robert Mugabe & his wife
Peter Hain
Peter Tatchell
Jamie Oliver
The whole cast of Frasier
Germaine Greer
Jade Goody – but she has gone now
The entire Royal Family
Afghanistan
Vanessa Redgrave
The staff at the Guardian
Tony Robinson
Bill Oddy and his bloody birds
Alan Titchmarsh
Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
Russell Brand
Stephen Fry
Anne Robinson

I could add more; it would not be difficult.

Don't get me wrong, I am not wishing them them a long nor painful death although in Robin Williams' & Mugabe's case I might make an exception.

Obama and Iran

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

People seem to be amazed at Obama's little speech offering friendship with Iran. I find that so very strange. Both the USA and Iran are full of ordinary people who would bear no ill will to each other if they met in a cafe or a bar. The ill will they bear is whipped up by their governments and their media.

Just like I said a while ago about Russia, it is time to put out the hand of friendship to the people.

Surviving accidents

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

In about 20 minutes, we are going to have a TV programme about surviving accidents. I don’t know what it is going to say. And anyway I started to write this a few weeks ago. There are two fundamental lessons:

Be prepared

Get out without delay

Obvious when you think about it but few people take notice. Here are a few observations:

- I did not learn to swim until my early 40’s. Within a week of starting to learn, a British car ferry, the Herald of Free Enterprise rolled over and hundreds drowned. Immediately, our teacher skipped swimming lessons and taught us how to get rid of our clothing underwater.

- Learn your escape route, the moment you enter a plane, a ship or a building. Look around and decide what you are going to do if an accident occurs. Study any safety information available and listen attentively to safety briefings

- On an aircraft, understand how to open an exit door, where the lifebelt is and all the other stuff. Keep your feet free and don’t be afraid of asking your fellow passenger the same. Always wear your seat belt and again ask others to do the same.

- In an hotel, work out the exit route and look at it. Ideally get a room towards the ground or at least one that overlooks a roof you can jump on to. One useful tip from the programme - get a room on the 6th floor or below because that's the limit of most fire ladders.

- On a ship, find your route to the lifeboat. Walk it.

- Wear flat shoes.

- Carry a hammer in the car to break the windows. In winter, carry a Mars Bar in case you get snowbound.

Leave all possessions behind and just flee. Go like hell and don't stop to look.

Pretty obvious really.

BA1

Monday, March 9th, 2009

When you check out last weeks flights from the USA, you will find one designated BA1 which left Andrews AFB in Maryland and flew to Heathrow. Well BA1 was last used when Concorde took the evening flight from Heathrow to JFK, so this is a disguise.

So what is this? Plainly it is our beloved Gord0n Brown flying home on his heavy jet, maybe a 777, with a considerable entourage.

I am fine with heads of state being kept safe and away from the riff-raff but did he really need to hire this big jet? I think not. He should use the BBJ and chop the cronies and cuddle Sarah at 35,000 feet. That way he would arrive a happy man.

Acetylene

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

As a former chemist, I can tell you that this is one of nature’s most wonderful substances in more ways than one. It is an alkyne which means that it has two carbon atoms linked by a triple bond and that makes it very reactive.

When I was a kid in the 50’s, it was easy to make due to availability of calcium carbide from the local cycle shop. Add water to calcium carbide and off comes acetylene in copious quantities. The earliest vehicle headlamps used this reaction whereby water was slowly dripped on the carbide and the acetylene ignited to provide light.

Another property of acetylene is that it detonates on shock. So unlike other gases it is not stored in compressed form in cylinders; it is dissolved in kerosene so that it won’t go off on shock. We exploited this effect. You put a few lumps of calcium carbide in a screw top bottle and add water. Screw on the cap and wait. No science here, we just waited until we thought the pressure had built up. Then we lobbed them against hard surfaces and just ducked. Enormous bang, flash of light and smithereens of glass everywhere.

We also transformed the lumps of calcium carbide into a form of currency. Younger kids were fascinated by our experiments. So we got them to go to the shops for us and in return, they got one crystal. Mercifully no one ever got hurt.

Not so the seagulls. Many years later, I was recounting all this to a much older colleague at work. He was in the army in WWII and in the interval between Dunkirk and D-Day, he was stationed at the seaside. One of their amusements was to put a lump of carbide inside a lump of bread and toss it to the seagulls. Soon after, the seagulls exploded. Wicked, I know.

Peter Mandelson custard attack

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Last week, some 'green' protester threw a cup of green-stained custard over our deeply disliked Business Secretary. Apparently, she was upset about proposals for a 3rd runway at Heathrow. There are several disturbing features about this incident.

First, she was allowed to walk away after this assault and only three hours ago (as I write) has she been arrested.

Second. How could she get so close to a Cabinet Minister?

Third. Mandelson himself is said to dislike a lot of security people about him. OK, Mandy but what about the other folks around you? What if it had been concentrated sulphuric acid and it had splashed others? What if it had been a hand grenade?

Fourth: At the time, the police said that they 'are not obliged to investigate an incident of this kind unless a formal complaint has been made.' How bloody ridiculous.

Reminds me of the time I reported seeing a 'hit and run' car accident. Then the police told me that they could do nothing until the victim complained. When I asked if the same policy applied to murder cases, I was told not to be cheeky.

Lemony partridge with bacon

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

There are plenty of partridge recipes about and needless to say many of them use those multi ingredient sauces which take longer to put together than actually cooking the bird. Couldn't find one using lemons so I did my own.

First, brown the bird off with a little oil; I use the wok so you can swirl it around. Set it aside to cool off a bit. Meantime cut a lemon in half and then cut one half into four quarters.

Squeeze one quarter over the bird in a casserole dish and rub in the juice. Salt and pepper it and rub that in. Then wrap streaky bacon around the bird and secure with toothpicks. Shove the used lemon segement into the cavity.

Add 200 ml of chicken stock and any vegetables you like: I added broad beans and halved cherry tomatoes. Then add the remaining 3 pieces of lemon. Don't squeeze them or the juice will overpower everything else.

I actually chopped up 2 more rashers of streaky bacon, fried them until brown and threw them in as well.

Put on the casserole lid and bake for 30 mins at 160C. Take off the lid and cut open the bacon wrap and peel the bits back. Leave off the lid and back in the oven for 15 mins for the breast to brown.

That's it. It's delicious.

Poland

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Let’s face it, who gives a damn about Poland? Oh, yes, to be sure, we went to war over Hitler’s invasion in 1939 but was that over Poland itself or was it because we had grown tired of Hitler’s aggression in Continental Europe? I don’t know but I’ll lay a bet on the latter.

When you examine Poland and its history, it’s fine – buildings, music and the rest and it would seem they have been a peaceful nation not threatening anybody. They even produced that marvellous Pope, John Paul II. I may be an atheist but I still saw this man as a great human being. And all the Poles I have ever met have been pleasant, cultured people.

Poland's problem is twofold. It lies between the great powers of Europe and it is a corridor over which those powers walk over to meet each other.

I have never been to Poland and I must someday for I think it would be good. But would I go to war again over Poland? I think not. And the same goes for Aberbaijan and the rest....

Teaching my kids

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

When my daughter was very young, 5 or so, I and my wife were summoned to her infant’s school by the headmistress. She, in sombre tones, told us that she was concerned that Caroline was becoming uncontrollable. This was news to us. Caroline had always been stubborn but she seemed to be doing really well at school and had got along fine with her first teacher.

It appeared that Caroline had been told to do something by her second teacher, a Mrs Garscadden. Well we had already had an inkling that all was not well between Mrs. Garscadden and Caroline so it was no surprise, to me at least, that Caroline had stood up and said, ‘I shan’t and you won’t make me.’

My reaction was, ‘That’s my girl!’ at which point my wife punched me and told me to be quiet.

Caroline flourished with her third teacher and the others that followed.

Separately, at secondary school, my son, Peter, was doing badly in English and with our consent he was demoted to the ‘B’ stream and a new teacher. He too flourished and gained an ‘A’ grade at GCSE.

They are both successful in their chosen fields.

I taught my kids much, just like my parents taught me but most importantly I taught them to be free and independent.

And now the role reversal has emerged and they are teaching me. They are so gentle when they do it. Is that not wonderful?

Wales - a country?

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

This one may cause me trouble.

I am struggling here. The question I asked myself was, ‘Was Wales ever a country until the English defined it as such?’

A glance at its history will show that from earliest times it was pretty much like anywhere else – a ragbag of little kingdoms whose borders changed with war and marriages. Sure there were big areas like Gwynedd and Deheubarth and others but they were no more Wales than Mercia and Wessex were England.

Now Llywelyn the Great was the first guy to style himself ‘Prince of Wales.’ I concede that he was the premier prince in Wales and that the princes or kings of other areas paid homage to him. However, at that time, there were parts of the area still run by English barons, so it ain’t a country as we know it today.

The next and last guy to style himself ‘Prince of Wales’ was Llywelyn ap Gruffydd, the grandson of the above. His power base like his predecessors was in Gwynedd and whole chunks of the south were ruled by English Marcher Lords. Large parts of central England pushed well into Wales as we know it today.

So the wars continued and eventually in 1267, we had the Treaty of Montgomery in which Henry III recognised Llywelyn as Prince of Wales.

Finally in 1284, we had the Statute of Rhuddlan (aka Statute of Wales) and that subjugated Wales to England in perpetuity. Edward I built his castles and that was that.

I have read many references on this subject and the conclusion is simple. Wales as we know it today was never a fully united country in the past and its present boundaries were defined by the English. I blame Offa from my home town, Tamworth. He had the Dyke built and said, 'OK you lot to the West are Wales, got it?' Would they ever have got that idea by themselves, I wonder.

We should have disabused them of the whole idea. It would have saved a lot of moaning.