Monday, 21 June 2010

Instruction manuals

Terrible things, are they not? For the most part, you get the impression that they are written by morons for a public with all the talents of Einstein. Truth is that like software they are written by asocial nerds with very limited experience of the way the rest of us live our lives. But let me go back to the beginning.

As a student at University, I was, for the first time out on my own and that meant getting clothes washed. So you go the launderette. Rows of machines and large instructions on the wall. I failed immediately. Did I put the money in before or after I loaded the washing? If I had put the money in first as the instructions suggested (sequentially), would the bloody thing start off its cycle without my washing? I asked an older lady next to me who condescendingly told me told me that it was obvious that I put the clothing in first. Obvious? Was it fuck? Money in was no.1 and clothes in were no.2 on the list on the wall.

Yes I know that all instructions confuse me. That is because I am not stupid and quick to spot the ambiguities and paradoxes in most manuals. If I had the time and inclination (of which I have neither) I reckon I could do a better job on most of them.

Last night, I decided to record something for the first time on this digital TV playback recorder I bought a few months ago. Simple as the 6 page leaflet said – press the ‘Record’ button and it will record the programme you are watching. What ‘Record’ button? No bloody button marked ‘Record’ on the entire remote control. Well I ain’t daft for I had already downloaded the full instruction manual onto to my PC so I go look at it. And guess what? The so-called ‘Record’ button is the one with a red spot on it. Obvious? Well not to me. And in any case there are loads of buttons with a written legend so why not this one? Not only that but we have what is known as a ‘red button’ feature which brings up all sorts of info about a programme. Of course that ‘red button’ has an oblong red spot on it.

Then we move to the DVD recorder which I have had for years. It plays and records DVD discs but also has a hard drive. I usually use the HDD but sometimes burn things to disc. Every time I do this out comes the manual but I have sorted it now. You need to consult say pages 6, 34 and 276 and flip back and forth. So I have written little notes on each page like ‘Now fuck off to p34 for the next step.’

Same with camera manuals and that’s from someone who has been driving SLR’s for 36 years.

And to cap it all, you get fewer and fewer printed manuals these days, just some bloody CD that you have to load and scroll through.

I blame much of this on those software nerds. Unlike the actual manufacture of a product, software is a one-off cost which can be used to pile in functions that few want but expands the manual to gargantuan proportions.

Guess I am getting old.

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