Crap food

We live in a world of processed food, well those of us in the West at least. Sure you can buy fresh produce and even unprocessed things like some meats and cheeses but even then you simply don’t know how much crap has been involved in the food chain. You know, cows fed on shit, farmed fish fed on God knows what and pigs up to their thighs in muck.

Watched a programme about this the other week. Didn’t realise that cheese slices (which I never eat) contain no more than 11% cheese and often less. And then of course, there is that liquid cheese, aka Squeezy Cheese. Buggered if I know what is in that but I bet cheese doesn’t feature highly. Surprisingly, when I went to a kitchen cupboard, I found the packet cheese sauce actually contained 32% cheddar cheese powder.

I could do a whole programme about this myself, indeed a whole series and you’d probably be vomiting well before the end. Ever tried Kentucky Fried Chicken, Southern Fried Chicken or any of its imitators, all alleged to be coated in a secret recipe batter? I bet it’s a secret alright; they’d probably get prosecuted if they ever published it. A dubious piece of chicken of unknown origin coated in a chewy batter shit. If it’s chicken nuggets, which are supposed to be breast meat but could be reformed parson’s noses, then they have a similar consistency to sawdust.

We all know how suspect mass produced pork pies are but over here a firm called Ginsters has taken the concept to epic heights. Based in Cornwall and making much of that, they sell a wide range of rubbishy stuff – pies, rolls, lattices – all filled with an anonymous mush of meat and veg, each of which is virtually indistinguishable from others. I know about these buggers: they are ubiquitous at our motorway serving stations and other watering holes. Sure they may say things like 27% beef but what beef? Mechanically recovered beef, cow’s cheeks? You can bet your life it ain’t ground sirloin steak.

Then we get cabbage which your mom tells you is good for you – lots of iron. I concede that you can just about cope with cabbage in sauerkraut where its abominable taste is smothered by vinegar and I don’t mind it chopped and stir fried a la Chinese but I wonder why I bother. Of course the nadir of cabbage concoctions is coleslaw. Chopped bits drowned in that awful mayonnaise and it still stinks of cabbage. (I cannot forgive the French for mayonnaise, not that I can forgive them for much at all. How on Earth they came up with this substance defeats me, all the more because I generally think that they cook well.)

The world of crap food does not end with the processed stuff. There is plenty of other muck around and some of it is even natural. Consider lettuce and rocket leaves. The first must approach 100% water and is the stuff that padded out the salad that your mom used to give you. I suspect grass would taste better although I understand that it is harder to digest which is why cattle have 4 stomach compartments to break it down. Rocket is just a middle class fad but you look at any recent cookery book and they are bunging the stuff into every salad. Sounds much more up to date than watercress, doesn’t it? Yet the latter has a more peppery taste.

Fruit has taste but root crops have so little which is why we need to dress them up. I could live my life without carrots, turnips, swedes, parsnips and the like. Strangely I actually like potatoes be they be in chip form or boiled little ones swirled in butter and crushed sea salt.

I could go on but I guess you are bored by now so just turn to that semi-processed crap which you are told to eat everyday – cereals. Basic cereals are mushy shit so the Americans with their fondness for mixing 12 to 20 flavours in one dish, dress them up with sugar, honey, nuts, raisins and pretty much anything which will remove their blandness. Who in their right mind would choose porridge over smoky bacon? Sure they may help the digestive tract and help you shit well but there are other ways to solve this problem.

Only ever had a shitting issue me and that was back in the 70’s when I ate really crap food. Since then I have stuck to things like meat, fresh/frozen veg especially pulses, bread, cheese and I have had no problems. My daily shit takes less than a minute. I dump bulky turds quickly and it’s all over. No time to read the newspaper even.

It’s all getting like the third world. The only stuff worth eating must come in its own skin and you’d better wash that first. And of course those poor buggers have to put up with eternal rice and ugali.